这是我30分钟内写完的,第一次进行托福作文训练,希望各位狠批,

这是我30分钟内写完的,第一次进行托福作文训练,希望各位狠批,
Do youagree or disagree with the following statement?Parents are the best teachers.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
They brought us tothis world,they raised us from the moment we born,they led us to the outsideworld,they taught us the first lesson,no other people are more important toour life than our parents.Because of this,many people concluded that parentsare the best teachers in our lives.At first glance,this opinion seemsconvincing.However,further reflection shows to me that this is unrealistic.Three major reasons of my view are provided in the followings.
Firstly,parents can’t teach us much in ourlives.We will be spending most of our lifetimes without parents,especiallyafter we grow up.In this case,parents will be no longer accompany us andtherefore we have to rely on our teachers,friends,collegues to achieve ourdream.For example,Charles Darwin left home at his early age and seek forbetter education by his own,after he graduates,he start to do research onBiology while taking part in sea voyages.His main discoveries are also madeduring this time without any influence by his parents.Instead,its his friendsand co-workers who teaches him many useful things and help him on his career.
Secondly,things that our parents taught usare not always useful,and in many case,they could be misleading.As parentsare much older than us,in many case they can’t perceive the new trend of world’sdevelopment and therefore what they teach us could be out-dated and useless.For instance,Bill Gates was forced to learn finance under his parents will,asthey think a career in finance and economy could earn more money.But findinghimself completely bored with finance,Bill Gates abandoned his major and startedto learn computer science on his own will,ignoring his parents objection.Facts shows that Bill was right,and his parents failed to see the growing strengthon computer industry and Bill’s potencial success.
Through this,we can see that parents arenot our best teachers not only because they will not be with us long and whatthey taught us is far less than our friends and collegues,but also can theyteach us the wrong thing and mislead us because of their own restriction ofunderstanding the current circumstances and world trend of development.Therefore,Parents are not the best teachers.

大概看了一下,几个问题：还是中国式英语 直接把中文改成英文但是不伦不类  就好像你开头第一句写的是中文的排比,但是英文不是这样写的,逗号不能随便用.想写的洋气一点去看 【十天突破新托福】很有用一般主体段用三个,考试的时候时间紧但还是尽量用三个理由例子太长而且很少用 "I" 这篇文章表达的是你的思想,是主观叙述,目的在于说服别人,不是记叙文,举例不要超过三行字多看看综合写作里的文章,它们是最好的独立写作范文这是我的一些建议和经验,你看看有没有用,要是想问些具体的或者不明白的私信我吧