请能看懂英语的帮我看看我写的这个考研口语面试的短文,帮忙改正一下里面的错误,

请能看懂英语的帮我看看我写的这个考研口语面试的短文,帮忙改正一下里面的错误,
Good morning teachers and professors,thank you for giving me such a valuable opportunity,i am very appreciate it.My name is ＋＋,23 years old and come from chang'an university in xi'an which is famous for its Qin shihuang Terracotta Warriors and Horses.My hometown is jiangsu and it's adjacent to anhui.
During my undergraduate period,my major is software engineering which belongs to our Information Engineering Institute.It is a heighly practical subject and just emerging in recent years in our country.But i am very fond of my major,because during the creative work,after一次次的尝试失败再尝试,and at last you make it,the sence of accomplishment you experenced is profound and you feel so great during the process.
Last year’s experence of 考研leaves a deep impression in my mind.Everyone works hard day and night all through the year to achieve their desire goals.The most important thing I’ve learned from 考研is that 一份耕耘一份收获（意思相近即可）.Second there is an old saying”身体是革命的本钱”,if you don’t have a good health,it’s impossible to obtain the fruits of success.To this point,I myself 就有深刻的体验.Last year,in the key phase of冲刺,my health almost collapse and can’t keep abreast of the nervous study and can’t focous myself on it wholly.More worse,when the postgraduate examination day com,I’ve got a bad headache.结果可想而知,I failed my first 志愿.
But fortunately,the University of Science and Technology of China gives me a second chance.I have been deeply impressed by the academic atmosphere during my heigh school.So I am very cherish this opportunity.If I am one of the lucky dogs can be administered by USTC,I will try my best to accomplish my学业 in the next two years.I know I am not the best one here,but I believe my personality of diligence can help me make further self-development.
Thank you for your attention.

Good morning beloved teachers and professors,thank you for giving me such a valuable opportunity,i am very appreciate it.My name is ＋＋,23 years old man come from chang'an university in xi'an which is famous for its Qin shihuang Terracotta Warriors and Horses.My hometown is jiangsu and it's adjacent to anhui.
During my undergraduate period,my major is software engineering which belongs to our Institute of Information Engineering.It is a heighly practical subject and just emerging in recent years in our country.But i am very fond of my major,because during the creative work,after fail time after time,and at last you make it,the sence of accomplishment you experienced is profound and you feel so great during the process.
Last year’s experence of the entrance exams for postgraduate schools leaves a deep impression in my mind.Everyone works hard day and night all through the year to achieve their desired goals.The most important thing I’ve learned from it is that "No pain,no gain".Second there is an old saying"you can never succeed without a healthy body",if you don’t have a good health,it’s impossible to obtain the fruits of success.To this point,I myself had experienced.Last year,in the key phase of hard working,my health almost collapse and can’t keep abreast of the nervous study and can’t focous myself on it wholly.And even worse,when the postgraduate examination day came,I’ve got a bad headache.As I knew,I failed my first aspiration.
But fortunately,the University of Science and Technology of China gives me a second chance.I have been deeply impressed by the academic atmosphere during my heigh school.So I am very cherish this opportunity.If I am one of the lucky dogs can be administered by USTC,I will try my best to accomplish my学业 in the next two years.I know I am not the best one here,but I believe my personality of diligence can help me make further self-development.
Thank you for your attention.