My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法之类）

My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法之类）
My Role model
I have a dream,actually two dreams,which are closely related.My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a dancing school which is small but famous for a graduate,George Mingus who has played leading roles in the dance business.
George Mingus is from a ghetto in San Diego.He was small in his high school day,but had vitality as high as any other boys for playing basketball.He was a basketball club member.His friend in high school often said,”He can play as if he has four arms and four legs.” He could move faster than any other players then.
He was curious not just in basketball but in dancing his high school age.George asked his father if he can go to a school for dancing,but his family could not afford the school fee.He thought that he should have worked to make money for school,and stared his job as early as he graduated from high school.He found a hard but you could earn quite large money job and entered a dancing school a year later.
People could not have become famous dancer unless they had been in an expensive dancing school at that time.Otherwise,they should find a good dancing coach in New York City where a lot of people visit Broadway theaters.But George managed enter a cheap school in San Diego.
The more he practiced dancing hard,the more he got eager to be a better dancer.Finally,he was admitted of his dancing skills by a man who came to the school for scouting.He had become well known in a dance meet in California.Not only the teachers of his school and the scouting director were attracted by his energetic dancing and enthusiastic about dancing.The scout person promised George to take him to New Y

which is small but famous for a graduate 可改成 which is small but famous for one of its graduates
George Mingus is from a ghetto in San Diego 可改成 is from the ghetto of San Diego
He was curious not just in basketball but in dancing his high school age 可在his high school age 前加 at
George asked his father if he can go to a school for dancing 把can改成could,把school for dancing改为dance school
He thought that he should have worked to make money for school, and stared his job as early as he graduated from high school 把should have worked改成 could work, stared改成 started, as early as 改成 as soon as.
He found a hard but you could earn quite large money job and entered a dancing school a year later 把a改成 it, large 改成 some, 去掉job, dancing school 最好改成dance school
People could not have become famous dancer unless they had been in an expensive dancing school at that time 对过去的虚拟语气这里并不必要,改为过去陈述句 people couldn't become famous dancers unless they had been in an expensive dance school at that time.
()这一整段有问题）Otherwise, they should find a good dancing coach in New York City where a lot of people visit Broadway theaters. But George managed enter a cheap school in San Diego. 调整为：or, they could try finding a good dance coach in New York city where the much-visited Broadway sits(个人觉得这里应用现在时).
But George managed enter a cheap school in San Diego. 语气、意图等不统一,有几个调整方法：1. But George chose a cheap school in San Diego.
2. But George only managed to enter a cheap school in San Diego.
3. However, George entered a cheap school in San Diego.
The more he practiced dancing hard, the more he got eager to be a better dancer. 去掉 hard
Finally, he was admitted of his dancing skills by a man who came to the school for scouting
Be admitted of 不甚贴切,可换为 acknowledged 或者 recognized
who came to the school for scouting: for scouting 可换为 as a talent scout或者 scouting talent
He had become well known in a dance meet in California过去完成时改成简单过去时,meet改成meeting或者occasion
Not only the teachers of his school and the scouting director were attracted by his energetic dancing and enthusiastic about dancing. not only后面无照应,因为文章不全无法判断修改方法,enthusiastic about dancing 改为enthusiasm或passion.
选文构造方面,个人觉得,打篮球那段可以拿掉.