请英语高手帮我点评这篇四级作文,

请英语高手帮我点评这篇四级作文,
1 现在电视上充斥着各种选秀节目
2 选秀节目流行的原因
3 你的观点
Talent Show on TV
Nowadays,with the developing economy,more and more people pay their attention to the entertainment.In this situation,all kinds of talent shows are appeared on TV.\There are two reasons why talent shows become so popular in the following.
First,people become richer so they have encough money not only to the eat and warmth,but also to the entertainment.In the morden world,the person work so hard to earn money that they need to relax themselves sometimes.The appearance of the talent shows fit their need.Moreover,the teens in this time are more interest in the talent shows.They are so active that they spend a lot of time on all kinds of shows.More and more teens are absorbed in the talent shows,so the shows become more and more popular.
As far as I'm concerned,I like to watch the talent shows on TV.I think it is very comfortable.The talent shows are good for the teens in my mind.The shows always hold on summer or winter days so the students can play a part on them because they also have a long holiday at the same time.They can entertain themselves after a long time study and also can learn a lot of things through the shows.

[ ...]里面的是增加的单词、句子
( ...)里面是更改过的单词、句子（语法或拼写错误）
< ...> 里面是要删掉的单词、句子
【···】需要的时候,中文评论、解释
我把1-2句话隔成了一个段落是为了我修改方便（眼睛看的不会太累）,而并不是因为要分段的.
Talent Show(s) on TV
Nowadays,with the developing economy,more and more people [are] pay(ing) their attention to the entertainment [industry].
In this situation,all kinds of talent shows (have) appeared on TV.There are two reasons why talent shows (are becoming) so popular .【明白你是想说“以下···”,可是写英文文章的时候,如果要很舒服,很漂亮的,最好避开“请看以下几点”这样的句子】
First(ly),people (have became) richer so they have (enough) money [for] not only [food] and [shelter] ,but also [for] entertainment.
In the (modern) world,[people] work so hard to earn money that they need to relax themselves sometimes.The (recent) appearance of [various] talent shows fit their need(s)【如果光是“the appearance of...”的话,会以为是talent show的长相呢!所以我加了“recent”在前面,这样就表达清楚“（最近）talent show的出现···”的意思了!】.
Moreover,teens [today] are more interest(ed) in talent shows.They spend a lot of time on all kinds of shows.【不是很明白你说的“they are so active that they...”是想说他们很活跃吗?我觉得直接就说重点,“他们放很多时间看不通的节目”】
More and more teens are absorbed in [watching these] talent shows,[as a result,] (these) shows [are] becom(ing) [increasingly] popular.【最好写作的时候不要重复同样的词好几遍,适当的时候要换词用噢!这样给人感觉你词汇量很大～】