大师作文网GRE argument求指点
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GRE argument求指点
下面是题目和我的文章,
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way,a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives.We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville,which has many such residents.Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs.The local health club,which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business,has more members than ever,and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full.We can even anticipate a new generation of customers:Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program,which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."
According to the vice president's memorandum,that whether the stores could make profit depends on the residents' attitude on the healthy lives.This is acceptable.But then,the president's explain about the next store should build in Plainsville is not correct.He only consider the facade.
First,he provide the report of merchants in Plainsville about sales of running shoes and exercise clothing.However,this report is incomplete to provide his argument.Although,the sales are at all-time high,but it did not specify the purpose of people buy these things,they may just like sport or these merchants use some the promotional tools.If in these case,the sales report has not relationship with the desire of people to buy the health-related products.So the president should consider whole situation.
Second,The local health club,suddenly has more members than ever.It could not as an evidence for the build of the new store.Because,in the last five years,this heath club nearly close due to lack of business.Why it suddenly have such more customers?The writer not provide some detailed explain.May be it just a temporary phenomenon by some special reason.This is very important.If the new store build here then after one or two month later,this temporary prosperity disappeared.We can imagine how much loss will costed.
Last,he says there have new generation customers from the schoolchildren who required to participate the regular exercise.But notice that not all of these children are voluntary.It can even be said that most of them are not voluntary.The writer did not give any explain about this.If they are not voluntary,they did not to buy anything about exercise to say nothing the health-related products.
In conclusion,if the president want to build next store.He should consider more situation,not only the facade but also the intrinsic requirement of the people.Before to build the new store.He will consider all of them,if not ,he will likely to suffered great loss.
下面是题目和我的文章,
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way,a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives.We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville,which has many such residents.Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs.The local health club,which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business,has more members than ever,and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full.We can even anticipate a new generation of customers:Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program,which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."
According to the vice president's memorandum,that whether the stores could make profit depends on the residents' attitude on the healthy lives.This is acceptable.But then,the president's explain about the next store should build in Plainsville is not correct.He only consider the facade.
First,he provide the report of merchants in Plainsville about sales of running shoes and exercise clothing.However,this report is incomplete to provide his argument.Although,the sales are at all-time high,but it did not specify the purpose of people buy these things,they may just like sport or these merchants use some the promotional tools.If in these case,the sales report has not relationship with the desire of people to buy the health-related products.So the president should consider whole situation.
Second,The local health club,suddenly has more members than ever.It could not as an evidence for the build of the new store.Because,in the last five years,this heath club nearly close due to lack of business.Why it suddenly have such more customers?The writer not provide some detailed explain.May be it just a temporary phenomenon by some special reason.This is very important.If the new store build here then after one or two month later,this temporary prosperity disappeared.We can imagine how much loss will costed.
Last,he says there have new generation customers from the schoolchildren who required to participate the regular exercise.But notice that not all of these children are voluntary.It can even be said that most of them are not voluntary.The writer did not give any explain about this.If they are not voluntary,they did not to buy anything about exercise to say nothing the health-related products.
In conclusion,if the president want to build next store.He should consider more situation,not only the facade but also the intrinsic requirement of the people.Before to build the new store.He will consider all of them,if not ,he will likely to suffered great loss.
He only consider the facade.感觉别扭.
However,this report is incomplete to provide his argument.provide 改成support或者bolster不行么?
Although,the sales are at all-time high,but it did not specify the purpose of people buy these things,although怎么和but一起用了,另外后面不能再加句子了,要改成从句.
If in these case,the sales report has not relationship with the desire of people to buy the health-related products.So the president should consider whole situation.If this is the case.等等 这个错好多.
It could not as an evidence for the build of the new store.
Why it suddenly have such more customers?The writer not provide some detailed explain.May be it just a temporary phenomenon by some special reason.
If the new store build here then after one or two month later,this temporary prosperity disappeared.
Last,he says there have new generation customers from the schoolchildren who required to participate the regular exercise.But notice that not all of these children are voluntary.
楼主你的语法错误太多了,我大概挑了上面这些错误,现在先不谈思想逻辑,楼主先想怎么提高内功,减少语法错误,多看看北美吧.可以现在word里写,再慢慢改,等错误少了再研究逻辑.
However,this report is incomplete to provide his argument.provide 改成support或者bolster不行么?
Although,the sales are at all-time high,but it did not specify the purpose of people buy these things,although怎么和but一起用了,另外后面不能再加句子了,要改成从句.
If in these case,the sales report has not relationship with the desire of people to buy the health-related products.So the president should consider whole situation.If this is the case.等等 这个错好多.
It could not as an evidence for the build of the new store.
Why it suddenly have such more customers?The writer not provide some detailed explain.May be it just a temporary phenomenon by some special reason.
If the new store build here then after one or two month later,this temporary prosperity disappeared.
Last,he says there have new generation customers from the schoolchildren who required to participate the regular exercise.But notice that not all of these children are voluntary.
楼主你的语法错误太多了,我大概挑了上面这些错误,现在先不谈思想逻辑,楼主先想怎么提高内功,减少语法错误,多看看北美吧.可以现在word里写,再慢慢改,等错误少了再研究逻辑.