请帮忙批改雅思作文Nowadays,an increasing number of coupleschoose to b

请帮忙批改雅思作文
Nowadays,
an increasing number of coupleschoose to break up for some reasons,
leaving a single-parent family to theirchildren.While everyone has a
right to pursuit his/her own happiness,I feelsuch a thing is extremely
irresponsible for children.
First,although it is true
that decidingwhether or not have babies can solely be responsible for
mothers,it is clearthat both of mothers and fathers have a duty to
bring their children uptogether once they had decided to give birth to
babies.
Moreover,a father as well as a motherplays a
crucial role in children growing.Fathers are always heroes of boys
aswell as mothers are always best friends of girls.Surely,every member
of afamily is necessary to each other and is irreplaceable for a
complete unit.
On the other hand,a single-parent
familygenerally has kinds of problem for bringing the children up.It
most oftenbegun with a financial issue,then led to a communication
problem that thefathers or mothers were occupied by quantity of jobs and
thus they have no muchtime to take care of their babies.Obviously,
young minds is impressionable andsometimes need structure,if their
parent cannot take a plenty of time to communicatewith them,they might
be out of control in their growing.
In conclusion,in
order for the children toprovide a best growing environment,the
cooperation would be needed for both ofparents.Bringing the children up
is the most important task of fathers as wellas mothers,and that is
not only a social duty,but a continual source ofhappiness for perfect
families.
雅思菜鸟,水平不高,

先改语法错误：
Nowadays,an increasing number of couples choose to break up for some reasons,
leaving single-parent families(前文已经说了是很多couples,所以用复数) to their children.While everyone has the right(后文明确指出right的内容,冠词用the) to pursuit his/her own happiness,I feel such a thing is extremely irresponsible for children.
First,although it is true that to decide whether to have babies or not can solely be the work of mothers(不知道你是不是想表达这个意思),it is clear that both （删去of）mothers and fathers have the duty to bring up their children together once they have decided to give birth to their babies.
Moreover,a father ,as well as a mother plays a
crucial role in the growing of children.Fathers are always the heroes of boys .In the meantime,mothers are always the best friends of girls.Surely,every member
of a family is necessary to each other and is irreplaceable for a
complete unit.
On the other hand,a single-parent
family generally has different kinds of problems when they are striving to bring up the children .Most frequently,it will begin with financial problems,which then lead to problems about communication because fathers or mothers were occupied by a quantity of jobs and
thus they don't have enough time to take care of their babies.Obviously,
young minds is impressionable and sometimes need structure(这句话我没有看懂),if their
parents cannot take enough time to communicate with them,they might
be out of control in their process of growth.
In conclusion,in
orderto provide a best growing environment for the babies,the
cooperation between both dads and moms is necessary.Bringing the children up
is the most important task for fathers as well as for mothers.Thais is
not only a social duty,but a continual source of happiness for perfect
families.
下面说一下问题：
首先是语言运用方面：
1、文章当中语法错误太多
2、词汇量偏少,而且很多词语的应用也不对
3、句型缺少变化.比如长短句没有搭配好
4、文中一些没有必要的副词太多（比如某些无意义的程度副词）,反而表述明确的词语太少（也就是说不够specific）
然后是逻辑方面：
1、文章虽然用了first second 来连接,但是每一段都很难找到明确的主题句
2、文章段落的组织没有什么内在的逻辑联系,论据显得杂乱.你可以尝试着用递进的方式安排论据.
3、段落中的每一个句子之间联系太弱,非常跳跃.建议你可以用topic-context-example或是推理的方式组织.写完之后一定要站在读者的角度想一想,写出的每一个句子能否让人明白.
4、句子中有些连接词使用非常混乱
以下是建议
语言方面没什么可说的,多读多背就行
逻辑方面建议楼主动笔前先写一个大概的structure,想清楚自己文章的脉络后再动笔