雅思作文修改及评分The government should pay for people's education an

雅思作文修改及评分
The government should pay for people's education and health care.To what ectent do you agree or disagree?
正文：
Education and
health are high on the government’s agenda.Some people hold the view that the
government should pay for citizen’s education and health care.I am partly for
it.
There are three
main reasons.Firstly,a large of proportion of government revenue comes of
taxes paid by citizens.Therefore each taxpayer has the right to make free
health and education provided by state.Secondly,there must be many people who
can not afford the education and health care in every country.Aiming to let
every individual have the same right to be alive,the government should relieve
the education and health burden of underprivileged,which can help government
to safeguard social stability.Thirdly,international competition is
increasingly fierce in economy field today.People’s education and health level
is a significant factor affecting the economy development.By providing free
education an health care,the government can promote the competitiveness of a
country’s workforce.
However,the
government should not pay all the education and health care,because the
limited government receipts should be paid in many other fields,i.e.economy,
technology,infrastructure,national defense and the same as.So citizens
should take a part of the responsibility of their own education and health
care.Meanwhile,the government should keep a reasonable balance between the
citizens’ education and health care need and other financial expenditure.
In a word,the
government should provide free education and health care for the poor people
and put up a large part of those for the other.And the government should also implement
a proper welfare system to reduce the social unrest.

我的观点是这篇差不多5分.简要原因如下：一、文章结构OK,首末段加正反观点,但这一结构表现的不明显,也就是你的每段首句没有清楚、简明、有力的说出你的论据和论点；二、逻辑不够缜密,导致论证不够有力,例如,taxpayers pay tax怎么就能引出他们可以有free的edu和healthcare?又如social stability不会因为没有教育或者医疗就不稳,你这里其实有点提到right to be alive,但是这个不够强.没有教育就很难找到好的工作,没有好的身体也很难很好的工作赚钱,从而无法维持自己的生活,这才是社会不稳的根源.当然还有其他的例子啦.三、观点还不够独特,比如为什么要tax要social welfare,因为这样可以将分散的资源聚集起来做edu这样的大事；为什么又不要完全的free,因为这可能造成poverty trap,可以拿英国做例子；等等.四、语法、用词有一些简单了.
言尽于此,如果觉得以上有些帮助,需要更多批改和点评可以去我的淘宝,“易道留学咨询”逛逛.