大师作文网请问这样的雅思作文可以拿到5分吗?
来源：学生作业帮 编辑：大师作文网作业帮 分类：综合作业 时间：2024/11/19 01:05:36
请问这样的雅思作文可以拿到5分吗?
Some people think that the use of animal for experimentation is cruel; others think it is good for the development of science.Discuss the two sides and give you opinions.
文章:
In current society,it is a well-known fact that science is advance at an amazing speed .But at the same time,controversy has arisen about whether we should use animal for experimentation.Some individuals think is id cruel for animal while others say it can enhance efficiency of science.From my own perspective,I support the latter view.
Granted,it is inhumane to use animal for experimentation.To begin with,the animal is our companions.It is clearly that we can get happiness from our pet.Moreover the animal is also has right to live,their lives can't be controlled by human.the problem of endangered animals is very serious today by the cause of killing animals.
Having said this,However we still need using animal for experimentation is cruel,it is fact that we just use the cells of animal in some experimentations.In the second place,we use the animal which has strong ability of living.Therefor,they will never become the endangered animals.Last but not least,The people can profit from this kind of experimentation.It is true that we can test a kind of new medicine is useful or not,This experimentation can tell us.
On the basis of the above discussion,using animal for experimentation may bring some problems.But we still need this experimentation to get a better result of science.
麻烦说下您的理由和需要改进的地方,我水平不高,目标就是5分.
第三段开头打错了..应该是
Having said this,However we still need using animal for experimentation.In the first place,not all the experimentation is cruel.
Some people think that the use of animal for experimentation is cruel; others think it is good for the development of science.Discuss the two sides and give you opinions.
文章:
In current society,it is a well-known fact that science is advance at an amazing speed .But at the same time,controversy has arisen about whether we should use animal for experimentation.Some individuals think is id cruel for animal while others say it can enhance efficiency of science.From my own perspective,I support the latter view.
Granted,it is inhumane to use animal for experimentation.To begin with,the animal is our companions.It is clearly that we can get happiness from our pet.Moreover the animal is also has right to live,their lives can't be controlled by human.the problem of endangered animals is very serious today by the cause of killing animals.
Having said this,However we still need using animal for experimentation is cruel,it is fact that we just use the cells of animal in some experimentations.In the second place,we use the animal which has strong ability of living.Therefor,they will never become the endangered animals.Last but not least,The people can profit from this kind of experimentation.It is true that we can test a kind of new medicine is useful or not,This experimentation can tell us.
On the basis of the above discussion,using animal for experimentation may bring some problems.But we still need this experimentation to get a better result of science.
麻烦说下您的理由和需要改进的地方,我水平不高,目标就是5分.
第三段开头打错了..应该是
Having said this,However we still need using animal for experimentation.In the first place,not all the experimentation is cruel.
又见面了~我说怎么看着题目眼熟呢.再帮你看看哈.
这次明显比上次那篇public museum vs computer的要好呢.其中最大的改善之处就是中间两段的结构很清晰,主题句在段首,每个论点都有逻辑顺序的词组引领,看起来满舒服的.另外,开头没有再照抄题目,结尾试图呼应主题等等,都是很不错的进步呢.
下面开始拍砖,吼吼~
第一段点题,用的是“现状——正反论述——表明立场”的结构.
问题1：阐述现状的第一句和第二句关系不紧密.从科学快速发展直接就到了动物实验的争论,可以尝试这么写：There has been an increasing trend that animals are engaged in scientific experiments nowadays,which contributes to the boom in science development.However,controversy has arisen at the same time about whether we should use animal for experimentation.
问题2：最后一句点题跟上次的问题差不多,既然说from my own perspective,后面最好说一下具体的观点,不要再说I support the latter view,感觉很罗索.可以写成：From my own perspective,hurting or even killing animals for the purpose of research do more good than harm to both the mankind and the nature.
第二段第三段的安排还是上次的老问题：“先抑后扬”.第二段的作用应该是让步,是文章论述更加严密.建议减少篇幅,放在文章结尾或倒数第二段.而本应作为重头戏的第三段作者却有些吝啬笔墨,这样给人以重点不突出之感.建议这样安排：把第三段的几个论点各自成一段论述,构成文章的主体,多写一点实事论据举例.
而且论述略显单薄,说服力不强.我们看一下支持论点的三条论据：
1、并非所有实验都残忍.
2、使用的动物生命力都很顽强,
3、人类从中获益.
第一条论据是可以的,但重要性不是很强,不建议放在第一条,可以考虑放在最后,用个besides或者moreover引领.第二条论据就不太切题了,物种灭绝和残忍关系不大.第三条论据也不错,但结合作者后面的实施论据,建议可以把该分论点改成“使用动物可以降低试验的危险性”.
最后一段作者试图简洁明了,但写得有点单薄了.用了个still更显得有些语气勉强.建议修改成：To sum up,if guided properly,animal experiments are supposed to be nothing but beneficial to the development of science as well as the nature and animal protection.
结合以前那篇文章,我发现你的一个问题不是语言方面,而是不太擅长论述,拿过一个论题来似乎找不到话说,离“思如泉涌”还有一段距离.建议你多读些文章,积攒一下各方面的知识.另外,语言语法方面比上次有明显提高,但同篇文章中依然有很多错误和不地道的地方.比如get happiness,is also has right,Therefor之类的,这些都是低级错误,在写作和检查的时候是可以避免的.
不过总体来说,这篇文章可以达到5-5.5分的水平了,加油哈~
这次明显比上次那篇public museum vs computer的要好呢.其中最大的改善之处就是中间两段的结构很清晰,主题句在段首,每个论点都有逻辑顺序的词组引领,看起来满舒服的.另外,开头没有再照抄题目,结尾试图呼应主题等等,都是很不错的进步呢.
下面开始拍砖,吼吼~
第一段点题,用的是“现状——正反论述——表明立场”的结构.
问题1：阐述现状的第一句和第二句关系不紧密.从科学快速发展直接就到了动物实验的争论,可以尝试这么写：There has been an increasing trend that animals are engaged in scientific experiments nowadays,which contributes to the boom in science development.However,controversy has arisen at the same time about whether we should use animal for experimentation.
问题2：最后一句点题跟上次的问题差不多,既然说from my own perspective,后面最好说一下具体的观点,不要再说I support the latter view,感觉很罗索.可以写成：From my own perspective,hurting or even killing animals for the purpose of research do more good than harm to both the mankind and the nature.
第二段第三段的安排还是上次的老问题：“先抑后扬”.第二段的作用应该是让步,是文章论述更加严密.建议减少篇幅,放在文章结尾或倒数第二段.而本应作为重头戏的第三段作者却有些吝啬笔墨,这样给人以重点不突出之感.建议这样安排：把第三段的几个论点各自成一段论述,构成文章的主体,多写一点实事论据举例.
而且论述略显单薄,说服力不强.我们看一下支持论点的三条论据：
1、并非所有实验都残忍.
2、使用的动物生命力都很顽强,
3、人类从中获益.
第一条论据是可以的,但重要性不是很强,不建议放在第一条,可以考虑放在最后,用个besides或者moreover引领.第二条论据就不太切题了,物种灭绝和残忍关系不大.第三条论据也不错,但结合作者后面的实施论据,建议可以把该分论点改成“使用动物可以降低试验的危险性”.
最后一段作者试图简洁明了,但写得有点单薄了.用了个still更显得有些语气勉强.建议修改成：To sum up,if guided properly,animal experiments are supposed to be nothing but beneficial to the development of science as well as the nature and animal protection.
结合以前那篇文章,我发现你的一个问题不是语言方面,而是不太擅长论述,拿过一个论题来似乎找不到话说,离“思如泉涌”还有一段距离.建议你多读些文章,积攒一下各方面的知识.另外,语言语法方面比上次有明显提高,但同篇文章中依然有很多错误和不地道的地方.比如get happiness,is also has right,Therefor之类的,这些都是低级错误,在写作和检查的时候是可以避免的.
不过总体来说,这篇文章可以达到5-5.5分的水平了,加油哈~