跪求英文笑话,有的进本人需要一些英文笑话,不要太长,大概能念1分钟左右的,要有中文翻译.不用太好笑,多多益善.

跪求英文笑话,有的进
本人需要一些英文笑话,不要太长,大概能念1分钟左右的,要有中文翻译.不用太好笑,多多益善.

Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!"
Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.
"Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?"
He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again."
彼得十八岁那年参了军,他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵.彼得在其他方面都做得很好,但是射击不行.一天他和伙伴们练习射击,除了彼得其他人都没有问题.他射了九次,一次也没有命中目标.这时,教新兵射击的教官说：“彼得,你看来是没希望了,不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉!去那堵墙后面用它向自己打一枪吧.”
彼得感到非常惭愧.他走到那堵墙后面.几分钟后,教官和新兵们听到一声枪响.
“上帝!”教官叫起来,“难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了?”
他急忙跑到那堵墙后面,发现彼得安然无恙.“对不起,长官,”他说,“我还是没有命中.”
First Flight第一次坐飞机
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机,他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道.所以,有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时,约翰逊先生非常担心,不敢接受.不过,由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的,约翰逊先生终于被说服了,登上了飞机.
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行.约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落,所以他吓得紧闭双眼.
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
过了一两分钟,他睁开双眼朝窗外望去,接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人,他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小,是不是?”
"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground." “那些就是蚂蚁,”他的朋友答道,“我们还在地面!"
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
你是怎样来的?
一个冬天的早晨,一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班.“外面太滑了,我每向前迈一步,就要向后退两步.”
老板狐疑地看着他.“噢,是吗?那你是怎样到这里来的?”
“后来我决定放弃,”他说,“然后我就往家里走.”

林肯过生日 Great Event
Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.
老师：1809年发生了什么重大事件?
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生.
老师：正确.那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢?
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日.
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.
"Imitate birds," the man said.
"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."
"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.
模仿鸟儿
一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作.“你能干什么呢?”负责人问.
“模仿鸟儿,”那人说.
“你在开玩笑吧?”负责人答道,“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打.”
“噢,那就算了.”那名演员说着,展开翅膀,飞出了窗口.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."