英语翻译PS：下面是自己的拙译,请给予指教.站在巴黎铁塔的你高不可攀是我们的距离香榭利大街的咖啡厅一个不起眼的角落有个我

英语翻译
PS：下面是自己的拙译,请给予指教.
站在巴黎铁塔的你
高不可攀是我们的距离
香榭利大街的咖啡厅
一个不起眼的角落有个我专注着你
法国的焦点开始转移
所有的目光落在了
那个红衣少女不经意的自然魅力
发挥着她最大的威力
你站得太高
会看不清
巴黎的浪漫
后知后觉你才清醒
试着闭着眼睛
去感受这浓浓气息
快下来吧我等着你
你站得太高
就会头晕
自我保护的多心
爱你的人都却步难行
这份缘一生一次
请务必要珍惜
快下来吧你有点高了
Tower of Paris
you are standing on the tower of Paris.
there is a long distance between you and me.
I am staring on you at a corner in a cafe at Elysee street.
all French are focus on you who is wearing a red cloth while showing the attraction casually.
getting high would lose your sight.
so how could you feel the romantic Paris.
just try to close your eyes to feel the lovely air.
please come down and I am waiting for you there.
getting high would make you die.
you are too more self-protection from the other.
so how could the one who loves you approach near you.
love between you and me is once in a life time.
please value it.
please come down because you are standing too high.
楼下那个翻译机的就不要来献丑啦～超级鄙视！无聊的人～
怎么都没有人来呢？答得好话保证追加分！
四楼的回答者：ianh - 门吏 三级不错，就是要这样的，有什么新颖的观点，就提出来咯～

巴黎铁塔应该就是艾菲尔铁塔吧?应该是the Eiffel Tower,一般是要加the的.
I am staring on you at a corner in a cafe at Elysee street.
我觉得应该是staring at吧?
all French are focus on you who is wearing a red cloth while showing the attraction casually.
应该是all French' eyes are focused on ,因为focus本来就是动词,这里用被动吧.个人觉得改为all French' eyes比较好.
还有就是a red cloth,应该是a red clothes,cloth是布的意思.
整个句子这样改一下比较好.
all French' eyes are focused on you wearing a red cloth and showing attraction casually.
伱觉得呢,伱先看看,我再继续改.
getting high would lose your sight.
so how could you feel the romantic Paris.
原句是太高,所以getting too high比较好,嗯,其实我个人翻译的话会翻译成stangding too high,应该用getting有种爬上去的感觉,这个伱自己考虑吧.
please come down and I am waiting for you there.
there改为here吧.
getting high would make you die.怎么会是die?是否打错的?头晕应该是dizzy吧.
you are too more self-protection from the other.这个句子好像有问题哦,保留主谓宾,就成了you are self-protection,而且用the other也不行,the other仅用于两者中剩下的那个.
so how could the one who loves you approach near you.我没有见到过approach near的用法,approach 一般与to连用.
这两句一起这样译吧,too more self-protection makes the others loving you couldn't approach.
love between you and me is once in a life time.这句话总觉得不通顺,说不出来为什么.
please come down because you are standing too high.我觉得用you stand too high好点.
为了保持上下段对称我又重新给伱疏通了一下,请看全文.
the Eiffel Tower
you are standing on the Eiffel Tower.
there is a long distance between you and me.
I am staring at you at a corner in a cafe at Elysee street.
all French' eyes are focused on you wearing a red cloth and showing attraction casually.
stangding too high would make you fuzzy
and could't feel the romantic of Paris
too clearly after time goes by.
just try to close your eyes to feel the lovely air.
please come down and I am waiting for you here.
getting high would make you dizzy.
too more self-protection makes the others loving you couldn't approach.
love between you and me is once in a life time.
please value it.
please come down because you stand too high.
这是根据伱的做的改动,但其实都不是很好,因为伱基本上都是按照语法结构来翻译的,但是歌词其实是要求简练、形式自由,而且要求押韵,押韵现在我们一般都还做不到（这是专业人士做的努力）,但是简练也比较容易做到,下面伱看我翻译的.
站在巴黎铁塔的你 Standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower
高不可攀是我们的距离 Too distant is our distance
香榭利大街的咖啡厅 In a cafe at Elysee street
一个不起眼的角落有个我专注着你 I am staring at you in an unattractive conner
法国的焦点开始转移France's fouse is change
所有的目光落在了那个红衣少女All the eyes fouse on the red clothes girl
不经意的自然魅力Casual nature attraction
发挥着她最大的威力Shows her great glamour
你站得太高 Too high you stand
会看不清 Too fuzzy your sight
巴黎的浪漫 Paris's romantic
后知后觉你才清醒Too late when you realize
试着闭着眼睛 Just try to close your eyes
去感受这浓浓气息 to feel the strong fragrance
快下来吧我等着你 Come down.I'm here waiting.
你站得太高 Too high you stand
就会头晕 Too dizzy you feel
自我保护的多心 Self-protection heart
爱你的人都却步难行 Too difficult the others loving you
这份缘一生一次 Only once in life
请务必要珍惜 Please value our love
快下来吧你有点高了 Come down quickly.You stand too high.
我尽量做到了押韵,但这的确很难,不过上下结构我都尽力做到了对称.歌词形式很自由,不必过于拘束于语法.比如名词的叠用、互相修饰,像Self-protection heart形式,其实在书面语中也是可以用的.